I’ve been thinking a lot about how I got to this place.
I know – never good, spending a lot of time thinking… about much of anything. One of the constants in my life has been the trouble that’s bubbled up as a result of too much thought.
Anyway, back in 1994, I had what can only be described as a profoundly unitive experience. I had a regular sitting practice, where I would literally be suffused with bliss. Then, when I got up and went about my daily business, the bliss would disappear, and I’d be left feeling tainted, corrupted, fallen.
I kept up the sitting, because the feeling kept me going during some very trying times. But the feeling never persisted past my sitting sessions.
Then at the most unlikely of times — standing in front of my closet, trying to decide what to wear to work at a job I hated — in the most unlikely of ways — feeling irritated, feeling disgusted with my life, my clothes, my apartment, my job, my money situation — everything simply became connected.
There was no separation between sacred and profane, there was no difference between heaven and earth, there was no distinction between the everyday and the sublime. There was no me, there was no them, there was no closet, there were no clothes… job… anything other than pure and uninterrupted unity and flow… a sense that regardless of appearances, all was in perfect order and was waiting for me to dive in and play my part.
It was sublime. And for a short while — minutes? seconds? — I knew without a shadow of a doubt that there was only ONE.
And that knowledge hasn’t stopped since.
That feeling has stayed with me over the years. And it’s bought me a lot of trouble. Because people aren’t generally into that whole unity thing, and trying to connect with people who are deeply invested in separation, who can’t imagine themselves without it, who view anyone without “boundaries” as either an intruder or a target… Yeah, that can be problematic.
Fortunately, life affords us plenty of opportunity to experiment, learn, and adapt. And that’s exactly what I’ve been doing for the past 2 decades.
20 years. Seems like just yesterday. Seems like just now.
I guess maybe it is.
Flow with whatever may happen and let your mind be free.
Stay centered by accepting whatever you are doing.
This is the ultimate.
– Chuang Tzu
Happy Monday, everyone 😉
Short rantless version:
Practicing zazen is a powerful way for us to strengthen our systems to deal with the realities of our lives. HOWever, lots of people use it as a way to block out pain… which just causes pain to persist, both personally and within the larger community.
Longer, impassioned version:
After months of simply BEing, and not spending a whole lot of time mulling the meaning of zen, zazen… disentangling myself from the words of others by simply getting on with my life, I’m back to extending my thoughts to what others have to say.
I spent some time yesterday over at Hardcore Zen, reading what Brad Warner and others have to say.
I spent some time yesterday reading the Mumonkan, and also skimming around for zen quotes to pick up my day and get me thinking.
I also dug out my copy of Katsuki Sekida’s Zen Training: Methods and Philosophy and remembered yet again why I like that book so much.
Maybe that wasn’t such a great idea.
By the end of the day, I was back to remembering why I don’t spend a lot of time in the “zen establishment”.
People talk too much. It gets my head going in ways that are massive time-sinks. And I end up spending way too much time counteracting the effects of “others’ ideas” which are really nothing more than my reactions to others’ ideas. I basically lost a day to that shit, and I’m a little pissed off about it. Over a long weekend, too.
I don’t know why I bother. Maybe I’m looking for an echo of my own experience? Maybe I just got bored and needed a little cognitive pick-me-up. Despite all my reading and noodling, I can honestly say I really don’t know what others’ ideas are all about — because I am not in their shoes, and all our ideas and perceptions and beliefs arise from individual experience. So, no matter how clearly a person tries to express themself, because their ideas are coming from their own individual contact with life, no one else can truly know exactly what they mean. It’s just not possible, in my estimation.
Which makes all the arguing and debates and wrangling entirely pointless, in my own experience. Unless you need to fight, to keep yourself alert and feeling like you have a purpose in life. I used to without realizing I was doing it. And I still do it, to this day, though I actually realize why.
Move along, people – nothing here to see.
Of course, being human and all, as I read the words, words, and more words, yesterday, about what people think zen is and how zazen should be done and sitting groups and communities and sangha and roshis groping students and what-not… I got pretty agitated. I felt connected, yet alienated. Welcome, yet pushed away. All the talking, all the arguing… I didn’t want that, even though I wanted to find a group for community and possibly support.
Part of me would like to find a community I can sit with. You know… People who know what zazen is, and who do it, too. The thing is, I would rather not deal with people’s crazy stuff — of which there seems to be a lot in certain communities. All the public squabbling over who’s right and who’s wrong. All the bickering and recrimination over who’s doing what to whom. Seems like a lot of trouble and uproar for a zen-oriented community.
And it occurred to me that zen can be especially attractive to highly dysfunctional people who have endured some serious trauma in their lives. It creates this alternate space (via zazen*), where you can step away from it all to go deep — and far, far away from your everyday life, which can be so terribly hurtful and wracked with pain. And all the while you’re distancing yourself from it, you’re telling yourself you’re “going deep” and finding the answers you need to go on.
But you’re actually in a parallel universe, which runs alongside the everyday life you lead. Parallels by definition never intersect with each other, and if you want to, you never actually have to let the sacred and the mundane muddle together at all. Because it’s all part of your spiritual path.
That’s what I’ve witnessed, anyway. And I used to do it, myself, too. So I’m not just diagnosing from my arm chair. Been there, done that, and I know how much trouble it creates.
When I think of these things, I often think back to the time when I joined a sitting group not far from my workplace, which met on Monday nights. That was a good time of the week for me, because I had no other standing commitments, and what better way to spend the evening after the first day of work, than sitting zazen and connecting with like-minded people?
Sounds great, right?
Well, I got there and we went through their routine with reading scriptures and walking… then sitting for a while. The sitting was fine. I got a chair, since my back was acting up, and it was fine. I was more focused than usual — perhaps because I felt a real tension in the group, much of it emanating from that evening’s leader, who was visiting and was supposedly some famous teacher with a handful of books to his name. Then people got to talking, and a lot of them wanted to check in about the upcoming multi-day sesshin. How they were looking forward to it, how they were sad they couldn’t make it, how they couldn’t wait to get into that alternate reality space and really “do the work”.
To be honest, I came away from that evening with a really bad taste in my mouth, and feeling more unsettled than when I showed up. So, everything I remember from there is colored by my unflattering sense of the event. So, maybe they actually talked about a lot of other things I found more positive and useful — I just don’t remember them.
But ill feelings and delusions aside, what occurred to me then — and occurs to me still — is that zen and zazen in particular*, make really handy ways to dissociate from our lives and avoid dealing with them. Dissociation is a psychological phenomenon, where you mentally “go somewhere else” when someone is doing something really awful to you. It’s handy when you’re in the midst of a traumatic violation, but it’s also a significant precursor for post-traumatic stress. The degree to which you dissociate during a trauma actually correlates with how extreme post-traumatic stress disorder turns out to be.
Getting your head away from your problems while they’re happening, is handy in the moment.
But later, it comes back to bite you in the ass, and it traps the actual trauma in your body. The body remembers what happened, but the brain doesn’t, so the brain can’t process the awfulness and let it the f*ck go.
Which isn’t so handy, over the long run.
And it occurs to me that one of the reasons American-style zen appeals to me so little, and frustrates me so much, is that it’s populated by a ton of folks with histories of traumatic dissociation, who appear to bring that same habit into their spiritual practices. Zazen can be rejuvenating. Freeing. Evolutionary. It has direct positive and restorative impact on the autonomic nervous system, and to me it is one of the most important exercises a person can do, to deal effectively with their daily lives. Even without koans and special instructions. You sit and breathe a certain way, and your physical system gets stronger. It’s a simple thing made complicated because people have been sitting for aeons with great revelations dawning on them, and the revelation becomes the thing, not the sitting.
Yet a lot of people (including a number of folks I’ve known) seem to use zen and zazen* to avoid and dissociate from the manifest difficulties of their daily lives. They’re not simply sitting to find a happy place, but to find a separate place, which is all about them and their “process”, and has nothing to do with coming to terms with the situations of their everyday existence, which they’ve actually helped to create.
Sitting silently, uninvolved in your usual daily life, focused on the inner world… all for the sake of “spiritual development”… is a fantastic way to continue patterns of dissociation which solve nothing, but actually make things worse. I’m not saying everyone does it. I’m saying a lot of folks do it — enough to spoil the proverbial barrel of apples. And as their dissociative dysfunction deepens their issues, it tangles up their communities in further knots of drama and shitty choices, all the while placing blame on roshis and other things outside themselves.
I know it’s bad form to blame the victim. The thing is, if a victim’s adult behavior and choices are screwing things up for others, it’s generally good form to take some sort of responsibility and see things for how they are. We tip-toe around apparently fragile people who flip out, thanks to past traumas, bending over backwards to make them feel safe and secure, thinking that’s going to help them. Maybe it will. Maybe it will make the rest of us more nuts than need be.
I personally believe people are far less fragile than we think they are, and a lot of folks who have experienced trauma actually use their experience to create and sustain unhealthy power dynamics centered on manipulation, guilt, passive-aggressive bullshit, and refusal to take responsibility. I’ve come across more than a few in my life, and I’m not a fan of that particular way of “coping”.
All of which is a really long way of saying… while some people find solace in zazen* as a way to deepen their understanding of life, a whole lot of folks (especially Americans) use it as a handy refuge where they can separate from life and avoid confronting the actual situations that are making them — and everyone around them — deeply unhappy. They find teachers who make them feel safe and secure (how many licensed therapists are also zen/mindfulness community leaders?) and give them the impression that they’re learning and growing, when all that’s really happening is they’re taking a break from feeling shitty, and having someone else fill their heads with “answers”. And all the while, their habits of refusing to actually deal with the reality of their situation (let’s get our heads out of the clouds and just call a real thing what it is — more on that later), and they just fuck up the dynamics of the rest of the community… all the while masquerading as spiritual seekers “on the path”.
So, once again, I come around to this irritated, passionate, resolute devotion to a solitary practice, avoiding organized American-style zen* like the plague. It may seem like it helps, but it really doesn’t. Not the way I see it being practiced by a whole lot of people.
And that’s what I think of that.
Now, it’s time for a walk in the woods.
* and meditation and other spiritual sorts of retreats
If you’re the only one in the room who actually senses unity, and everyone else in the general vicinity is not only caught up in their ideas about being alone and lonely, but also deeply invested in proving to themselves and everyone that there is no unity, that they are alone, and that no one can possibly understand them, it can be a lonely business, this unity thing.
After that unexpectedly awake handful of moments, about 30 years ago, I went through a fairly long period of feeling more alone than I ever had before. I had this experience, this total immersion in ALL, and I wanted nothing more than to spread it around and share it with others.
But people can take things the wrong way. And they can think that your experience of unity simply means that you have no boundaries worth respecting.
Needless to say, it was an interesting couple of years after that moment.
I continued to have those periods of intense bliss and total unity — usually in the morning while I was getting ready to go to work. And I carried it with me through the day.
And it was a strange disconnect, to be surrounded by people who seemed to want nothing more than to reinforce their perceptions of separation, division, alienation, and being anything but one.
What do you have to talk about, when everyone is so invested in proving to themselves and others, that you really have nothing in common?
One morning about 20 years ago, I was standing in front of my bedroom closet, looking for what to wear to work. I’d just gotten out of the shower, and I was trying to decide what to wear to work.
Nothing in my life was going the way I wanted it to, I was deeply dissatisfied with just about everything around me, and I couldn’t see a way out of any of it. Not immediately, anyway.
I had a job I didn’t like, doing work that didn’t suit me, at a company I resented. I wasn’t making nearly enough money to support my household, but the economy was unfavorable, and I didn’t feel I had the skills or the time or the energy to go out and find another job.
I didn’t like any of my clothing. It was all frumpy and boring and not very attractive. It didn’t suit me at all.
I didn’t like the apartment where I lived. It was cheaply constructed of flimsy materials, the refrigerator kept icing up, my landlord was a hard-ass, my neighbors were loud, and it was too small for my family.
I had money problems. I was deeply in debt, my credit rating was abysmal, I could never seem to get ahead, and the expenses just kept piling up. My partner and I had lost one of our beloved cats while living in that apartment, because we didn’t have the money to get her the necessary medical treatment when she needed it.
My marriage was under intense stress, too. My partner was usually angry with me, we were fairly estranged, and we couldn’t seem to overcome our differences. Many of our problems were related to money and social isolation, and those problems didn’t seem to be going away anytime soon.
Everything around me seemed to be falling to pieces. My car had nearly been repossessed, and it wasn’t even worth the $400 I paid the repo man to keep it from being towed away. We had nearly been evicted from this apartment for a check that bounced, and there was never enough money to do anything we wanted — or even needed — to do. My partner was not able to get adequate medical and dental care, and she had a lot of physical ailments that had been problematic for some time. I couldn’t see my way out of the mess we were in, and any kind of positive change seemed miles away. I was operating in a constant state of low-level desperation, just trying to keep a few steps ahead of what seemed like total disaster.
I meditated regularly, and I often did feel bliss when I was deep in my meditative state. It was the one refuge I had in the midst of all the craziness around me. But the real world with its aggravations was always waiting for me when I “got back.” Frankly, it often just pissed me off, and I regretted sitting at all.
By no means was I in a mental, emotional or spiritual space that prepared me for what happened that morning.
As I stared resentfully into my clothes closet, suddenly I was suffused with a Light and a Knowing that I cannot fully describe. In an instant, the dresses and shirts and pants hanging in front of me blurred and melted away, and I felt all the world around me blend into one continuous, uninterrupted whole. The heavens above seemed to open up, and I saw the dark and luminous universe filled with pinpoints of starlight cascade down towards me. I also felt myself opening up to it, melting into the celestial heavens above — and from above and below we merged as one. There was no “them,” there was no “me,” there was no separation, there was no differentiation. There was nothing but the Truth that I was One with All.
In an instant, everything was revealed as Right and in Divine Perfect Order. Everything was Whole. Everything was intimately meshed with All That Is, and I was smack-dab in the middle of it. There were no clothes on hangers in the closet in front of me, no fabrics, no shirts or pants or shoes. There was no job, no apartment, no schedule, no bedroom, no indoors, no outdoors. There was no separation, no differentiation, no distinction at that instant.
There was only Wholeness. Completeness. The Knowledge that All Is Well and Everything Is In Its Right and Proper Place.
At that moment, I knew — beyond a shadow of a doubt — I was ONE with All. I was One with my crappy, demeaning job, I was One with my unattractive wardrobe, I was One with my nearly-estranged partner, I was One with my rusty, dilapidated car, I was One with my run-down apartment. All was One. I wasn’t just right in the middle of it — IT simply WAS. And everything — without exception — was in Perfect Divine Order.
I froze for a few moments, transfixed by the realization. I said nothing. I had no words for what I was experiencing. I could not move. I could not speak. All I could do was simply stand there, staring at my clothes, feeling the expansiveness grow and swim within me. I felt my cells come to life, pulsing with light that unfolded to the stars… into the earth… melting and melding into the flowing vital essence that permeated everything in that room, all my atoms mixing and blending with the atoms of every created thing on this plane and all others. The universe in all its immensity expanded around me, then made itself known in my heart. In that moment, it felt as though years, even lifetimes, of blame and fault and error were wiped clean and made completely new. Everything that was or had ever been “wrong” in my life, no longer mattered. Not in the least.
It wasn’t the first time that sort of experience had ever happened to me — but it was the first time it had been that intense. It would also not be the last — though I haven’t yet had another experience of that magnitude.
For years after that, I would frequently get surges of bliss, first thing in the morning after I got out of the shower, while I was standing in front of my clothes closet, thinking about what to wear. It seems an unlikely time and circumstance to receive an incredible reminder of the truth about the my place in the universe would pulse through me, enlivening my cells and thrilling my entire being with an exhilaration that still to this day amazes me … but I’ll take it.
Nothing about my experience of life has been the same, since that moment. Now two decades past, it still seems like yesterday. My entire world view changed “in the twinkling of an eye,” as they say. I’ve tried to describe this experience many times in many pages of writing, but it hasn’t been easy — it’s difficult to describe in words something so experiential.
Words cannot do that experience justice.
Ever since that day, I sense no real separation between this person I call “myself” and others. I sense no division between religions or faiths. My life has since been marked by a combination of earthbound disorientation, divine indifference, lack of attachment, unconditional acceptance, intimately indescribable connection to All, moral weightlessness, peace that passeth understanding, and a sense of Love that is unparalleled by any human interaction I’ve ever had. It is both personal and impersonal, transmuting and transfiguring my life, yet wholly transcending it.
It has taken me many years to come to terms with it, to get past the isolation and frustration of watching others behave as though there were only separation, devoting their lives to conflict and self-serving, hurting themselves far more than they could ever hurt another. It’s not easy, walking into a room and getting the distinct impression that you’re the only one who realizes you know everyone who’s there — and you’re the only one who really wants to. Our world as we know it thrives on separation and artificial gravitas, judgment and games, and even those who profess to enlightenment invest an awful lot of time in dividing and conquering.
Knowing what I came to know in that moment — and many moments after that — sets you apart in ways that are all but impossible to describe with words. And yet, it joins you… incorporates you… involves you… implicates you… in every single aspect of life that you experience as Completely Wrong. When you become One with All, you truly become ONE with ALL.
And it’s taken decades for me to be able to put that into words. Even so, it doesn’t feel like I can.
In the end, though, after all the words fail, the experience defies describing, the separation and the unity blend into an impossible spaghetti ball of complement and contradition… all I really need to know is…
there is Love.